The question echoes in almost every parent’s heart: What do we want our children to be?
For me, the answer has always come without hesitation: I want them to be happy.
Simple, right? And yet, when I sat with that thought a little longer, I realized it wasn’t so simple after all. Because to want happiness for them, I had to ask myself: Am I truly happy? Do I even know what happiness really means?
Children are incredible imitators. They don’t just listen to what we say, they absorb who we are. And that hit me like a wave. If I wanted them to grow up knowing joy, I had to first embody it myself.
The Pursuit of Happiness
We all chase happiness. But can anyone be happy all the time?
Life doesn’t spare any of us. It brings routine, boredom, disappointments, heartbreak, sickness, and even the unbearable grief of losing people we love. In the face of that, is happiness really possible?
And yet, I’ve met people, resilient and radiant souls, who seem to carry a quiet joy even through hardships. They’re not untouched by pain, but somehow, they glow with calm and positivity. What’s their secret? Are they just born with sunnier dispositions, or is happiness something they’ve practiced, like a skill?
That question led me to Tal Ben-Shahar, whose talk on Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness became a turning point for me. Over weeks of listening, reflecting, and scribbling notes, I began to see happiness less as a mystery and more as a craft, one shaped by six simple but powerful lessons.
Let me walk you through them, the way I experienced them.
1. Permission to Be Human
As adults, we’re taught to “hold it together.” Don’t cry. Don’t be angry. Don’t feel too much.
But Ben-Shahar’s first lesson is to give ourselves permission to be human. To fully feel our feelings without judgment. Children do this naturally. They laugh wholeheartedly, cry loudly, and bounce back quickly. Somewhere along the way, we unlearn that.
I realized that my usual instinct when sadness or anger hit was to push it aside or act on it rashly, which often left me feeling worse. But when I sat with the feeling, named it, and let myself experience it, something softened.
Therapist Tina Gilbertson offers a simple tool called the T-R-U-T-H Technique:
Tell yourself the situation
Realize what you’re feeling
Uncover self-criticism
Try to understand yourself
Have the feeling
It’s like giving yourself permission to say: “It’s okay. I’m human. This is part of living.”
2. Simplify
For years, I believed busyness equaled happiness. A packed calendar, a buzzing phone, a long to-do list, surely that meant I was achieving, right?
But it didn’t. It meant exhaustion.
When I finally began cutting back, clearing my wardrobe, decluttering the kitchen, saying “no” more often, I noticed a surprising shift. A lighter home. A lighter heart. More space for the little things that actually brought me joy.
Ben-Shahar puts it beautifully: simplifying isn’t about having less, but about making space for more of what matters.
3. Meaning and Pleasure
Here’s something I didn’t expect. Happiness needs both meaning and pleasure.
Think of it like food. Pleasure is the taste, sweet and delicious, instant. Meaning is the nourishment, what sustains you. One without the other leaves you unsatisfied.
I had to ask myself: Am I chasing goals because they matter to me, or because they look good on someone else’s timeline?
That question alone changed the way I viewed my daily choices.
4. Relationships
If there’s one truth we can’t escape, it’s this: people matter most.
We thrive on connection, with family, friends, partners. And yet, relationships aren’t easy. Misunderstandings, arguments, disappointments, they’re part of the package.
What struck me in Ben-Shahar’s teaching was the idea that these struggles aren’t signs of failure but opportunities to grow stronger. Like a vaccine, small doses of conflict can actually make relationships more resilient.
His advice? Focus on the small positives: a smile, a compliment, a shared laugh, a gentle touch. Be authentic. Speak your fears. Celebrate the little things. Because love isn’t built in grand gestures, it’s in the everyday moments.
5. The Mind-Body Connection
I used to think happiness lived only in the mind. But the truth is that the body and mind are inseparable.
Exercise, prayer, meditation, even a simple walk, they all fuel joy. In fact, a Duke University study found that exercise was as effective as antidepressants in treating depression, and those who kept moving relapsed less.
That floored me. Happiness isn’t just about mindset. It’s also about movement.
For me, prayer also became more than ritual. It became a mindful pause, a chance to slow down, reflect, and give thanks. Even five minutes of stillness felt like hitting reset on my soul.
6. Focus on the Positive
And finally, gratitude.
It sounds cliché, but it’s powerful. Ben-Shahar explains that gratitude isn’t just noticing the good but nurturing it, like an investment that grows over time.
I started keeping a gratitude journal. Nothing elaborate, just scribbling three things at night, from a nice meal to a laugh with my child. Research says even five minutes of this can boost happiness as much as doubling your income. Honestly, I believe it.
Over the past year, gratitude has rewired how I see my life. Instead of replaying negative thoughts, I’ve learned to pause and ask: What’s good here? What can I thank life for today?
So, what’s the secret to happiness?
It isn’t a destination, a big “aha” moment, or a permanent high. It’s a practice. A rhythm. A daily choice.
Permission to feel. Simplicity. Meaning. Connection. Movement. Gratitude.
Happiness, I’ve come to see, is like music. Some days the notes flow, other days they stumble. But if we keep showing up, keep practicing, keep leaning into gratitude, the melody of our lives grows richer.
And maybe that’s the secret I want my children to see. Not a perfect life, but a life that finds joy in the ordinary, peace in the storms, and gratitude in every breath.
What’s the Secret?
The question echoes in almost every parent’s heart: What do we want our children to be?
For me, the answer has always come without hesitation: I want them to be happy.
Simple, right? And yet, when I sat with that thought a little longer, I realized it wasn’t so simple after all. Because to want happiness for them, I had to ask myself: Am I truly happy? Do I even know what happiness really means?
Children are incredible imitators. They don’t just listen to what we say, they absorb who we are. And that hit me like a wave. If I wanted them to grow up knowing joy, I had to first embody it myself.
The Pursuit of Happiness
We all chase happiness. But can anyone be happy all the time?
Life doesn’t spare any of us. It brings routine, boredom, disappointments, heartbreak, sickness, and even the unbearable grief of losing people we love. In the face of that, is happiness really possible?
And yet, I’ve met people, resilient and radiant souls, who seem to carry a quiet joy even through hardships. They’re not untouched by pain, but somehow, they glow with calm and positivity. What’s their secret? Are they just born with sunnier dispositions, or is happiness something they’ve practiced, like a skill?
That question led me to Tal Ben-Shahar, whose talk on Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness became a turning point for me. Over weeks of listening, reflecting, and scribbling notes, I began to see happiness less as a mystery and more as a craft, one shaped by six simple but powerful lessons.
Let me walk you through them, the way I experienced them.
1. Permission to Be Human
As adults, we’re taught to “hold it together.” Don’t cry. Don’t be angry. Don’t feel too much.
But Ben-Shahar’s first lesson is to give ourselves permission to be human. To fully feel our feelings without judgment. Children do this naturally. They laugh wholeheartedly, cry loudly, and bounce back quickly. Somewhere along the way, we unlearn that.
I realized that my usual instinct when sadness or anger hit was to push it aside or act on it rashly, which often left me feeling worse. But when I sat with the feeling, named it, and let myself experience it, something softened.
Therapist Tina Gilbertson offers a simple tool called the T-R-U-T-H Technique:
Tell yourself the situation
Realize what you’re feeling
Uncover self-criticism
Try to understand yourself
Have the feeling
It’s like giving yourself permission to say: “It’s okay. I’m human. This is part of living.”
2. Simplify
For years, I believed busyness equaled happiness. A packed calendar, a buzzing phone, a long to-do list, surely that meant I was achieving, right?
But it didn’t. It meant exhaustion.
When I finally began cutting back, clearing my wardrobe, decluttering the kitchen, saying “no” more often, I noticed a surprising shift. A lighter home. A lighter heart. More space for the little things that actually brought me joy.
Ben-Shahar puts it beautifully: simplifying isn’t about having less, but about making space for more of what matters.
3. Meaning and Pleasure
Here’s something I didn’t expect. Happiness needs both meaning and pleasure.
Think of it like food. Pleasure is the taste, sweet and delicious, instant. Meaning is the nourishment, what sustains you. One without the other leaves you unsatisfied.
I had to ask myself: Am I chasing goals because they matter to me, or because they look good on someone else’s timeline?
That question alone changed the way I viewed my daily choices.
4. Relationships
If there’s one truth we can’t escape, it’s this: people matter most.
We thrive on connection, with family, friends, partners. And yet, relationships aren’t easy. Misunderstandings, arguments, disappointments, they’re part of the package.
What struck me in Ben-Shahar’s teaching was the idea that these struggles aren’t signs of failure but opportunities to grow stronger. Like a vaccine, small doses of conflict can actually make relationships more resilient.
His advice? Focus on the small positives: a smile, a compliment, a shared laugh, a gentle touch. Be authentic. Speak your fears. Celebrate the little things. Because love isn’t built in grand gestures, it’s in the everyday moments.
5. The Mind-Body Connection
I used to think happiness lived only in the mind. But the truth is that the body and mind are inseparable.
Exercise, prayer, meditation, even a simple walk, they all fuel joy. In fact, a Duke University study found that exercise was as effective as antidepressants in treating depression, and those who kept moving relapsed less.
That floored me. Happiness isn’t just about mindset. It’s also about movement.
For me, prayer also became more than ritual. It became a mindful pause, a chance to slow down, reflect, and give thanks. Even five minutes of stillness felt like hitting reset on my soul.
6. Focus on the Positive
And finally, gratitude.
It sounds cliché, but it’s powerful. Ben-Shahar explains that gratitude isn’t just noticing the good but nurturing it, like an investment that grows over time.
I started keeping a gratitude journal. Nothing elaborate, just scribbling three things at night, from a nice meal to a laugh with my child. Research says even five minutes of this can boost happiness as much as doubling your income. Honestly, I believe it.
Over the past year, gratitude has rewired how I see my life. Instead of replaying negative thoughts, I’ve learned to pause and ask: What’s good here? What can I thank life for today?
So, what’s the secret to happiness?
It isn’t a destination, a big “aha” moment, or a permanent high. It’s a practice. A rhythm. A daily choice.
Permission to feel. Simplicity. Meaning. Connection. Movement. Gratitude.
Happiness, I’ve come to see, is like music. Some days the notes flow, other days they stumble. But if we keep showing up, keep practicing, keep leaning into gratitude, the melody of our lives grows richer.
And maybe that’s the secret I want my children to see. Not a perfect life, but a life that finds joy in the ordinary, peace in the storms, and gratitude in every breath.
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